You may have noticed that I haven’t written a training recap post in awhile. You may have noticed I haven’t written much of anything in awhile. I hate to say it, but neither of those things are terribly likely to change anytime soon. I’d like to say that I am on the struggle bus, but that would imply that I am going somewhere and doing something, which I am not.
It seems to have been one thing after another since I got home from Nicaragua. First, I got horribly sick from accidentally eating gluten at a new restaurant that we visited. By the time I recovered from that about a week later, I had 3 days of feeling ok before my back randomly and suddenly went out on me. Literally – I woke up in the morning one day and could barely stand for no apparent reason. Such is life with a bad back. That eventually started feeling better and now I have some gunk in my chest that makes it hard to breathe and even harder to be motivated to do much of anything. So while I have run and even done some speed work since I’ve been home, I haven’t run in over a week.
To be honest, the runs that I did do when I got back were mostly forced. I was running because I needed to run in order to train for Pocatello and get back on my plan, but I had no desire to actually do so. I still don’t, really, but I think that might change when I feel better. For now, I’m just laid up on my couch watching the Olympics and I’m ok with that. I’ll be ready to run when I’m ready to run.
I have struggled a lot with feeling extremely disconnected, disinterested, and generally not being in a good place over the past few weeks. I am doubting myself in a major way and questioning literally everything, and I don’t really like this side of myself. I haven’t talked to many people about it because I really don’t know what to say, and I tend not to be the type to talk through stuff like this – I like to decide for myself. Besides, there is nothing to report.
It’s funny, but at the moment, everything in my life feels totally overwhelming – even travel. I have a lot of great trips coming up but rather than being excited about them, I’m just feeling really stressed out about how I will manage everything associated with them. It’s not like me at all, and that is how I know I’m really not in a good place mentally.
I have thought many times over the past year that my life is finally starting to reflect my vision for my future and that I have everything I could want, and largely, that is true. I made sure, in those great times, to really think about how fortunate I am and how happy I have been, because I know my whole life hasn’t been like that and it won’t always continue to be. We all have our highs and lows, and the good times are made sweeter by the bad times. In this moment, which is feeling strongly like one of the “lows,” I’m comforted to know that it won’t last forever. I will find my way again and will find my motivation and drive and zest for adventure, and I have no doubt about that at all. It just might be a while, and I might not have much to say until I do. But I’m a firm believer that the ride is worth the fall, so now it’s just a matter of getting back on the horse again.