If I’m Being Honest

As I normally do, I compulsively read and re-read my blog post yesterday after posting it. Somewhere around review number 5 (or perhaps the many emails I got on the subject), it occurred to me that a) I did a really crappy job of expressing my feelings about the situation and b) I sound like a petulant child. This is a problem namely because I am a petulant adult. So I wanted to do a post that clarifies a little bit why I’m so upset about being told I have to wait a couple more weeks before I start running.

If I’m being honest…one of the things that leaves me the most frustrated about this entire thing is that I spent a lot of money to fly out to Colorado, stay in a hotel, rent a car, etc. to go to appointments that I shouldn’t have had for another two weeks. If my PT had no intention of letting me run at 6 weeks, I wish he would have told me that when I initially mentioned it so that I could come out in 8 weeks instead.  I don’t have a ton of extra money right now, so I just feel like this was a big waste of time and money that made me depressed when it could have been avoided by going two weeks later.

If I’m being honest…I’m frustrated by the completely conflicting information I received from the neurosurgeon and the PT. One said I could start running again, go back to yoga and barre, etc. and the other said the completely opposite. It’s confusing information and of course, the one I have to listen to is the one I don’t want to listen to. That’s the petulant part.

If I’m being honest…I’m terrified that my back is going to start hurting again once I start back to running, because it’s a distinct possibility thanks to the degeneration. If my back returns to it’s previous state as a result of the impact, then that means I’m going to have to cut running out of my life, because I really want to avoid that fusion for as long as possible. You’d think this means that I’d want to put off running as long as possible, but no. Instead, I just want to know if it’s going to be ok (or not ok) so that I can deal with the emotions accordingly. To constantly put off my return to running only to find out that I can’t do it anymore would be devastating. I really just want to know.

If I’m being honest…I’ve got a lot of changes happening in my life right now, and basically no outlet for the associated stress. I’ve used eating disorders, compulsive shopping, and  a host of other coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety and emotional distress in the past, but running is indisputably the most healthy of those. Now, I don’t have that, and I don’t really have any other form of workout either. And speaking of eating disorders…

If I’m being honest…I’ve gained some weight since I stopped running, and it’s starting to be very noticeable (to me). Having my activity levels severely restricted means that I can’t eat my normal amount, and to lose the weight, I need to cut back significantly. I have never successfully restricted my diet without relapsing into my eating disorder. It’s just not something I can do. The extra weight is giving me anxiety, but the thought of changing what and how much I eat gives me even more because I know what will happen. I think it’s really important to know your triggers, and this is one of mine. I just feel like I’m going to lose it if my clothes don’t go back to fitting normally.

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