T-Rex Rantz, Volume 6: Holiday Edition

Ahh, the holidays. A time for family, food, fruit cake, and themed 5ks. What’s not to love? If your soul is as black as coal, like mine is, then you find there are plenty of things not to love about the holidays. Note: if you have no sense of humor about the holiday season, please stop reading now. Oh, and brace yourself for tons of pictures of Grumpy Cat and the Grinch – my spirit animals.

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1. Holiday Travel

I’m going to start off with something that I think we can all universally hate, which is holiday travel. I actually find the entire thing to be deliciously funny. Nothing says you’re happy to see your family like arriving 6 hours later than you planned because some asshat got into a fender bender on I-95 and proceeded to refuse to move his car from traffic and now you’re so frustrated that you can barely even irk out a “hello” to the family you haven’t seen in a year before cracking out a beer. I drove 10 hours to Florida with AJ to spend Christmas with my family and I spent 9.5 of them cursing everyone on the road. Let me be abundantly clear: if you are driving at or under the speed limit in the left lane on a major highway on the busiest travel day of the year, I hate you. I literally hate you. This is to say nothing of the frustration of flying anywhere for the holidays – God forbid – especially with all the winter weather that has been happening around the country so far. If you’re traveling for Christmas, may God have mercy on your soul.

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2. Office Holiday Parties

Office holiday parties can be fun if they include an open bar. Otherwise, they just include forced interaction with people you already spend too much time with and now you’re not getting paid for it. I can maybe get into the idea if the party is on a Friday or Saturday night, and it’s someplace swanky and you can bring your significant other. My old company used to have parties like that and it was supremely fun, if for no other reason than there’s nothing better than seeing the old executives at your company drunkenly hit on everyone. Sadly, that’s too expensive for most companies in this economic climate, so now, many companies have their parties during the week. For example, AJ’s company is having their party on a Thursday at 7 pm. He gets off work at 5:30 and we live 45 minutes away. Not happening. How about you save the money you were going to spend on bad food and just put it in my check instead, k? K.

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We’re like, busy.

3. Elf on a Shelf

Mercifully, I have not had my newsfeed inundated with too much Elf on a Shelf nonsense this year, but this is primarily because most of my friends do not have kids. It’s only a matter of time, though. Thank GOD this was never a thing when I was a child or it would have given me nightmares forever. I would never have trusted a toy in my room again! The thing COMES ALIVE AT NIGHT and causes mischief?! Am I the only one who finds the Elf on a Shelf unbelievably creepy?  Also, I don’t get it. How is having an elf do bad things supposed to teach your children that they should do good things? Anyone?

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Oh, this isn’t terrifying AT ALL.

4. Tacky Holiday Sweaters

So, once upon a time, the 80s happened and I was born and so were tacky Christmas sweaters. Then, twenty years went by and people thought it would be hilarious to have parties in which said sweaters were worn as a sort of theme. And it was hilarious. For like, two years. And now I’m just really confused because I don’t know if tacky holiday sweaters are cool or not cool. It used to be that you had to go to a thrift store or the back of your mother’s closet to find one, but now stores actually produce them specifically for this purpose. Does this not negate the point of the tacky holiday sweater party? Is a sweater actually tacky if it is now trendy because of its tackiness? I’m exhausted.

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5. Drive Thru Light Displays (because I can’t think of a better way to describe it)

You know how basically every city has some park or something where they put up fancy Christmas lights and then you have to pay to drive through it? Have you ever seen the lines at those places? And like $7 a car? What kind of nonsense is that? I enjoy a quality Christmas display just fine, but not enough to wait in line and then lose my mind while I try to drive 10 miles per hour through this park. I’m sure kids really, really like this stuff, but you know what else kids like? The lights at your one-upper neighbor’s house who keeps trying to beat that other guy in the neighborhood at his light display. And you know what I like? Not getting trapped in traffic when I have the misfortune of needing to drive down that particular street after dark at some point over the course of an entire holiday season.

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6. Opening Presents in Front of People

I have a paralyzing fear of opening presents in front of people. I just hate it. I have this awful feeling that I’m going to get a present that I don’t like and then I’m not going to be able to conceal my face and then the person’s feelings will be hurt, which I would never want to happen. For my birthday, I literally go in the other room away from AJ and open my presents and then come back and tell him how much I like them after I’ve had a chance to convince myself that I really like them, just in case I don’t. I’m lucky that he indulges my fears. On Christmas, you can’t do that. The whole family is there and everyone is staring at you and waiting to see your reaction when you open your present and it is just terrifying.

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7. The “Happy Holidays” vs “Merry Christmas” Argument

I honestly do not know why people care so much about what greeting is used during the holidays regardless of what side of the coin you fall on. People say way more offensive shit than “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas” all the time and that doesn’t seem to get nearly the amount of attention. If you’re offended that people say “Happy Holidays,” try and remember that even NOT including Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, which are obviously legitimate holidays, this is known as the holiday season not because of Christmas alone, but because of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years combined. Maybe that person wants ALL THREE of those days to be happy for you! Is that so horrible? No. And if you’re offended that someone said “Merry Christmas” to you because you don’t celebrate Christmas, then recognize that you can still have a Merry Christmas by going to the movies and eating Chinese food like a normal person. That’s what all my Jewish friends from home do, and I assure you that their Christmas is merry as hell. Point being, there are more important things to get upset over, so stop it.

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8. Artificial Trees

I know that like 90% of you probably have a fake Christmas tree in your house right now and you love it and omg there’s no mess! Hooray. Good for you. Artificial trees are killing Christmas and the economy and they probably killed Jesus himself, in my opinion. I grew up going and getting a real tree every year and it was the biggest deal. The only person who was really into it besides me was my dad. My brother would want to buy the first tree we saw so we could go home and he could play video games, but my dad and I insisted on going meticulously from place to place until we found the perfect tree. It’s one of my favorite memories as a kid. So help me God, as long as I live, I will never own an artificial tree. Cleaning up the pine needles is not that big of a deal. Watering the tree is not that big of a deal. Now I go through the ritual with AJ and I’m pretty sure he thinks its dumb and I don’t even care because we’re building traditions, dammit. An artificial tree is not a tradition.

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Truth be told, I like pretty much everything else about the holiday season. I like decorating the tree, I like eating millions of cookies, I like spending time with my family, and I like giving people presents. But that’s not really funny, so there you go.

LEAVE A COMMENT: What annoys you about the holiday season?

 

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