WHY YOU’RE HIDDEN FROM MY NEWSFEED

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a Facebook addict. I signed up as soon as I was allowed to (back in the day, you had to have a college email address and they rolled out Facebook to colleges in order of their “tier”) so I’ve been a member since Summer 2004. That’s more than 9 years of my life that I have spent obsessing over what everyone else is doing all the time. I’m not exaggerating when I say that the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check Facebook and see what you fools have been doing since I went to sleep.

Over the years, Facebook has changed dramatically, but my love for it has not. That being said, as I’ve gotten older, I think my patience is severely diminishing. I run a very tight ship where my newsfeed is concerned, and if you annoy me more than twice, you’re hidden from it. I don’t like to defriend people because I have a gripping fear of someone noticing (because obviously people spend their entire days just waiting for me to post something and would totally notice if I didn’t), so now that Facebook allows us to stay friends with people but not see their updates, it’s basically the best thing that has ever happened. Additionally, I truly like most of the people that do these things, and I want to maintain my friendship with them. That would be impossible without the ability to hide their posts.

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Sometimes I forget that people can see my face when I’m talking to them.

For the record, I’m sure plenty of people have hidden me from their newsfeeds. I can be annoying, undoubtedly. Pretty much all I post is blog links and the occasional link to Buzzfeed, so I completely understand, and I’m not offended. You do you, boo boo. That being said, here are the top reasons why you might be hidden from my newsfeed:

1. You post play-by-plays of sports games in your statuses.

I am a huge sports fan, especially football. I spend a lot of time watching games. But if you regularly feel the need to post play-by-plays of your team’s games in your Facebook status, I will hide you from my newsfeed. You are not exempt just because you happen to be posting updates about a team I like. Oh, did the Jets just complete a 20 yard pass? Wow, and followed it up with a fumble, but wait, it might get overturned? Stop. That shit is annoying, and most people do not care. That’s what the SportsCenter app is for. Lock it up.

2. You post the details of all your workouts.

Maybe this is just an epidemic for me personally since I am friends with a ton of runners on Facebook, but holy crap, can we please agree to stop posting every single mile split of every workout? How is that necessary? There are only two people that care about your mile splits, and those two people are you and (maybe) your coach. I assure you that I am not one of those people. I’m all about working out and being proud of yourself, but maybe just save the mile splits for like a really exceptional workout? Please?  Oooh, or a better idea – start a blog!

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To be fair, if you were as adorable as Schmidt, I’d probably care.

3. Your only statuses are about how bad you feel.

No one likes a Debbie Downer. It’s really that simple. I’m sorry you’re sick, tired, stressed, hate your job, or all of the above, but if that is the only thing you post about, people will stop caring. You know what garners sympathy? The occasional bad day. If all of your days are bad, you are most likely the problem. And furthermore, most people are tired, stressed, and hate their jobs, so just start drinking like the rest of us and get over it.

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Candy, beer, whatever.

4. You VagueBook. 

Just in case you’re not familiar with the term “VagueBooking,” it’s when someone posts an intentionally vague status or song lyric in hopes of getting people to ask them questions about what is wrong. Examples include: “Never been this upset before…:(” or “Not sure if I made the right decision…guess we’ll see!” or any Taylor Swift lyric. The important thing to note here is that I do allow some wiggle room depending on the age of the poster. ALL teenagers VagueBook, as do most people in their early 20s. I certainly did it, and I spent plenty of time fighting the urge to post angsty Fall Out Boy lyrics while I was going through my divorce. But if you’re past the age of about 24 and you’re regularly posting vague statuses to try and get attention, you’re annoying everyone and you should stop. The end.

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5. You regularly post extremely biased political statuses and articles.

I keep up with current events and with politics, and I like to consider myself relatively well informed about the goings-on in Washington, even if about half my news comes from Buzzfeed. Despite my interest in politics, there are few things I find more annoying than the incessant posting of political statuses and blogs that are heavily biased in one way or another. I don’t care whether you’re super conservative or super liberal – the fact of the matter is that like many people, I’m not too inclined to listen to anyone who clearly lacks the capacity to understand ANY of the other side’s points.  I’ve also noticed that these people tend to believe in conspiracy theories, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

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Yeah, I don’t.

6. All of your statuses are religious.

I love God. Really. I do. He made beer, after all. But if ALL of your statuses are prayer requests or quotes of scripture, you will promptly be hidden. Like so many things in life, less is more. If you post a prayer request for something EVERY DAY and it’s something dumb like “Prayers needed to help me decide where to eat lunch today! Waiting on God’s Word!” then I am not going to pray for you. I’m just not. Use your prayer requests sparingly. Do not be the boy who cried wolf. Similarly, I enjoy the Bible as much as the next person, but if I wanted a verse of the day, I’d get one of those apps.

7. You post pictures of your child on the toilet.

I feel like this should be self-explanatory, but apparently it is not. I genuinely like seeing pictures of people’s kids on Facebook despite that I am largely afraid of children and generally think they make too much noise. Most kids are pretty cute and they do funny things, so post away. But is the documenting of the potty training process ON FACEBOOK really necessary? I mean, I understand if you want to take pictures for the baby book or whatever (ok, I don’t understand, but I’m trying), but like…does everyone else need to see that? I swear to God that the first one of you to post a picture of your kid’s actual poop in the toilet will be instantly defriended, so don’t even try.

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If I don’t want to see you on the toilet, I don’t want to see your kid on one either.

LEAVE A COMMENT: What makes you hide people on Facebook? Am I the only one with this much Facebook-related rage?

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