You guys might not know this, but there’s a presidential election tomorrow. Maybe you have heard of it. Despite the fact that I live in basically the biggest non-swing state ever and my vote means literally nothing, I’ve actually been agonizing over how I’m going to vote this year. I’m one of those annoying undecided people that Otter cannot process. I truly see good and bad things about both candidates and I really still can’t decide. You may ask why I am bothering trying to decide in the first place since South Carolina is going to vote Romney loud and clear no matter which candidate I choose. The answer is obviously so that I preserve my right to complain for the next four years if things are not going the way they think I should.
Anyway, while in the shower this morning I got it into my mind that I could totally be a really great president. I’d take the best of both parties and be a true moderate, appealing to Everyman. I’d work both sides of the aisle and get shit done for America. I’d use just enough piercing sarcasm to keep the intellectual elite engaged while also appealing to the masses with quirky phrases such as “outside fire.” America would come together for once and it would be glorious. Yes, that’s it. I’ll run for President!
And just as quickly as that idea came, I immediately thought of a disturbingly lengthy list of the reasons why I’ll never be President. This is my idea of doing my part to distract you from all the political ads on your television. I’m patriotic like that.
1. T-Rex Runner does not discriminate.
At first, this might seem like a good thing, but what I mean is that I’m mean to everyone. No one is safe from my barbs, not even my own mother. As such, the American public would probably perceive me as heartless and lacking compassion. This is not entirely inaccurate. Point being, I would make fun of everyone so no one would like me, resulting in very few people voting for me. Except you guys, of course. You get me.
2. The internet is eternally shaming me.
Our presidential candidates have thus far been fortunate enough to grow up in an age without the internet, meaning their poor decisions are not memorialized on film and posted forever on facebook, twitter, and instagram. Even if I didn’t have this blog, 2005 would be haunting me on the internet thanks to a
moderate possible binge drinking problem and a love of those newfangled digital cameras.
3. I make questionable choices.
I’ll never post the details of my marriage and subsequent divorce on the internet because I’m not a complete asshole, but those of you who have heard the story know that it is literally the stuff that they make movies out of – aka the type of thing I should have known better than to get myself into. My ex alone would disqualify me from being president, which is actually something he and I used to joke about back in the day. Ha. He’s not a bad guy, but it’s a bad story, and in short, no self-respecting American would trust me to make decisions on their behalf. I accept that.
4. I wouldn’t be able to run marathons anymore.
Although it has been well documented that several presidents have been avid runners while in office, none of them have run a marathon while in office, presumably as a result of security concerns. This obviously does not jive with my busy racing/blogging schedule.
While I obviously would not have a hard time finding Secret Service agents that could keep up with me, I would have a hard time finding Secret Service agents that would allow me to talk and take pictures with every single person on the course and generally goof off during every marathon. As I pondered a T-Rex presidency in the shower, I had visions of myself running encased in some type of bullet proof bubble while surrounded by Secret Service agents, but then I realized that would be stupid. First, I get way too hot way too easily for something like that, and second, the idea of someone wanting to kill me if I was president is utterly ridiculous. I would be very popular. Have you seen my hair?
5. I’m not good at receiving bad news.
In keeping with my general awkwardness, I never really know what to say when someone tells me about something bad that has happened. It’s not that I’m not upset, so much as it is that I just am in complete denial and refusing to acknowledge whatever it is the person has just told me. Often, I shrug and make some type of inappropriate joke and then wait for the severity of the situation to set in while continuing to make jokes. This would not work if I was President. Other people have souls and they would expect me to respond like a real human being.
Recently, I got some bad news about a coworker’s health – a person who I consider myself very close to and who I would be truly devastated if something happened to. My literal response to the news was “Nah, he’ll be fine. Let me know when he’s fine.” I think I also shrugged. Not presidential at all.
6. AJ would refuse to smile for First Family portraits.
Perhaps because he actually is unhappy while near me or perhaps just because it’s his look, AJ doesn’t really like to smile in pictures with me or in pictures in general. I actually think he looks suspiciously like the Grinch when he smiles, and although I thoroughly enjoy it, it’s not exactly the stuff America’s Christmas cards are made of.
We’re working on it, but he’s not ready for the White House press corps just yet.
7. My dog would kill animals on the White House lawn.
You think I’m an asshole? My dog is an asshole. A totally adorable, loveable, mostly wonderful asshole. You see, he loves people – ALL people, including babies, children, old women, all races, religions and creeds. He is functionally useless as a guard dog, unless you happen to be breaking into my house while also walking a dog or carrying a cat.
You see, my dog hates other animals. All other animals. I am not entirely responsible for this, as I did not adopt him until he was 4. By that point, the damage was already done. You know all those cute pictures of the Obamas playing with their dog on the White House lawn? That would be impossible for me and Rocket, since there are squirrels on the White House lawn, as well as birds and sometimes rabbits. Rocket would literally rip them apart in a fury of feathers, fur, and blood. I’ve seen him try it on my parent’s dog. They’re still pissed about that for some reason.
8. I’d make everyone complete the Couch to 5k program.
You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. Coworkers, family, friends, random strangers – no one is immune, and the people in my life can attest to this. I think actually my entire platform would be to defeat the obesity epidemic by making every single American run a 5k. Obviously it would work and then everyone would decide to run marathons and the economic crisis would be solved because people would spend a ton of money traveling all over the country and running races. Hooray! I just solved all of America’s problems in one blog post. Too bad most people hate running so they are not going to vote for me.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go put on my American flag pajamas and try and decide who to vote for. If you can’t decide either, feel free to write in T-Rex Runner. At least now you know all my flaws and my entire platform, which is more than we can say for either of the actual candidates.
You know you’re not going to be president either, so leave a comment and tell me why.