Why I’ll never be an Olympian

As you may or may not know, I am a bit of an Olympics junkie. I can’t say I’ve watched every single hour of coverage, but it’s pretty close. Last week, while in the waiting room (and later in the exam room) at the doctor’s office, I live streamed Olympic archery on my phone. Sorry I’m not sorry.

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Me whenever America wins an Olympic event

Watching all this Olympic coverage has gotten me thinking a lot about what it might be like to be an athlete of that caliber and what their day-to-day existence might be like. Although I can only guess, I have come up with a list of reasons why I will definitely never be an Olympian, thanks to the internet and hours of tv coverage.

1. The obvious: talent

It seems like this one goes without saying, but Olympians are crazy gifted athletically. Obviously they work way harder than the rest of us also, but let’s not pretend for a second that some people are not more athletically inclined than others. Just watching the Olympics is a lesson in all the different ways that some humans can move their bodies. These humans do not include me.

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Much to AJ’s dismay, this will never happen.

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Olympic marathoner Shalane Flanagan and I have the same color hair. And that’s it.

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Let’s stop pretending like anyone that isn’t Chinese is good at diving.

2. Dedication to training

Thinking about this is actually what inspired me to write this post. So it’s monsooning here in Columbia, South Carolina today. Pretty much every day right at the time I’m about to leave work, it starts absolutely pouring. Yesterday I went to get another MRI on my ailing back, and as I got out, it was pouring. I had great intentions of going swimming at the gym last night after the MRI, but I have to park on the street to go to my gym downtown, usually a few blocks away. Guess who is not getting out of the car and walking 3 blocks in the pouring rain to go swimming? So then I thought I would maybe get up early this morning and swim before work – nope. And after work? Well no problem, I’ll just double up and swim laps before the cycling group leaves to go at 6:30 and do 20 miles. Except the lap swimming pool is closed today at the time I wanted to go. And guess what? It’s monsooning again. So that means no outside ride for me, and as we’ve already established, I won’t walk to the gym in the pouring rain. Guess who would? Olympians.

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Notice I am not in this picture.

3. Excessive Hugging

For those of you who like my facebook page, you may have seen a status I posted the other day about the excessive amount of hugging by Olympic gymnasts. As it turns out, Olympians in general are just apparently obsessed with hugging. I get that the whole situation is really emotional and exciting, but that’s not the point. T-Rex does not like to be touched. I can handle it occasionally, and I don’t mind hugging people, but not after every freaking gymnastics event. Not after every race in the pool. Can’t handle. Step off me.

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Yeah I love Gabby Douglas, what of it?

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Even the boy rowers hug. COME ON.

4. I’m scared of Aliya Mustafina

Um, if you watched a single second of women’s gymnastics during the Olympics and you don’t agree with me, I would be amazed. First of all, homegirl has a death stare that just sends chills down my spine. She is 17 years old and probably 4.5 feet tall and 12 pounds but I’m pretty sure she could kill me if she wanted to. Second, did you see her shove her coach out of the way when she messed up during the all around? Damn. I thought I had rage. Point being, I would be afraid to be anywhere in the Olympics Village because her evil glare would be there. Lurking. Staring. Judging.

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She will kill you.

5. If anyone asked my opinion on Ryan Lochte, I’d just laugh.

Have you heard him speak? No, seriously.

To summarize: “The reason I love swimming is because racing.” – Ryan Lochte

6. The gear for most Olympic sports is atrocious.

There are very few fashionable uniforms at the Olympics. I get that everything is very high tech, but it just seems to be really hard to look good. First, you have the swimmers, who all look like aliens when they have on all their stuff. Then there’s anything that looks like a leotard or a bathing suit, which is obviously not happening because baby doesn’t show her thighs on national television. And it’s all spandex. Oh terrible, terrible spandex.

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This is no one’s best look.

7. I love junk food

Well documented on this blog (perhaps better documented than anything else) is my love of junk food. Burritos (WELCOME TO MOE’S), pimento cheeseburgers, cupcakes, beer, you name it. Eating healthy, nutritious food is a struggle for me daily because I just don’t really like it. Olympians HAVE to eat healthy because otherwise they die won’t make it to the Olympics. I was watching some Nike commercial that was playing during the Olympics recently and one of the voice overs said “I haven’t ordered dessert in two years.” I laughed.

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This is a cupcake with cookie dough inside. This is my reason for living.

8. There’s too many emotional moments at the Olympics and I’d cry every five seconds

I don’t consider myself an emotional person in general, but I get choked up really easily. It’s kind of weird. Like situations in my normal life that would warrant crying, I’m good. That Nike commercial with the fat kid running? I cry. The Olympics is full of shit that would make me cry. Like every time America wins a medal. Every time Russia or China doesn’t win a medal. And every time some Olympian shows tremendous heart and does something like this:

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Seriously, click that link if you didn’t. It’s pretty amazing.

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I love Olympic unity.

Even though I could come up with many more reasons why I’ll never be an Olympian, I think the point has been made. That’s good news for y’all though, because I’m pretty sure Olympians don’t have time to write pithy blogs and have nervous breakdowns over getting t-shirts made anyway.

Leave a comment and tell me why you’ll never be an Olympian either.

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