T-Rex goes on a diet

As you are reading the above title, you are probably thinking one of the following things or a combination of all of them.

  1. HAHA serves her right, all she does is eat Moe’s and drink beer.
  2. Srsly, I am so annoyed with these skinny bitches thinking they need to lose weight. (THINK THAT ONE)
  3. This is going to last approximately five minutes.
  4. Who gains weight while running a million marathons?

And you’d be right if you think any or all of them. It does serve me right. I eat like crap. The number of calories I consume in a day would put Biggest Loser contestants (the “before” versions) to shame. It’s horrifying, really. I’m the girl in the office that everyone brings the extra birthday cake to because they want to get rid of it despite the fact that I’ve already had 3 pieces. And I eat it all. Know why? Because I fucking love cake.

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You haven’t really met me until you’ve seen me around cake and lived to tell about it. AJ knows.

And pizza.

And hamburgers.

And burritos.

And beer.

And you get the point.

But also, I am not fat. I know this thanks to a BMI calculator, the tags on my clothes that still fit that say XS, and Myrtle Beach. By the way, if you’re looking to feel better about yourself, go to Myrtle Beach. Rachel, you were so right. I have never felt so skinny in my life. So yeah, I get that you’re probably annoyed that I’m saying I’m going on a diet. And I hope you understand that I don’t care that you’re annoyed. What T-Rex wants, T-Rex gets.

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Myrtle Beach – where health goes to die

You’d also be correct at thinking that this may very well last approximately five minutes. I hate watching what I eat. It makes me feel icky and gross and sad. I don’t like not being able to eat five cupcakes a day. I find it unpleasant. But you know what I also find unpleasant? Muffin top. America doesn’t want to see all of my proverbial milkshake hanging over my jeans.

And yes, I know it seems strange that someone could gain weight while running 2-3 marathons a month, but I promise you, it can happen. There’s a lot of reasons why this phenomenon is common in marathoners, but I’m trying not to make excuses for myself. Basically, I eat too much, run too little, and here we are. Don’t believe me?

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Here’s me in the original T-Rex photo, October 15, 2011 during the Baltimore Marathon

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Me and Sally at the Delaware Marathon on May 13, 2012. DO YOU SEE?

I’ve gained about 10 pounds. It might not sound like a lot, but it’s a lot to me. So I’m “getting healthy” and trying to lose the weight, which should happen pretty quickly if I stop eating like such an asshole. So I’m trying new things. Apparently there are things called “fruits and vegetables” that are supposed to be good for you. I obviously hate them.

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I’ve eaten so many blueberries that I’m five away from turning into one ala Violet Beauregaurde.

I’m eating burritos without tortillas. As in, burrito bowls. As in, NOT REAL BURRITOS. It’s killing me. I’ve struggled with fitting in a healthy breakfast since I used to eat PB & J and what I WANT to eat is usually cake. I was home sick from work yesterday (srsly, I’m dying, please take pity on me) so in between sneezing, coughing, and sleeping, I did some research on new and exciting recipes that would hopefully drag me off the ledge and help me continue this process. I found this website that has a million different protein shakes that the author swears taste just like milkshakes. I needed to buy some fruits anyway (UGH) so I bought all the appropriate ingredients at the grocery store. I was super impressed with myself. I got them all home and decided to have one as a healthy dessert after dinner instead of ramming cookies down my throat like I normally do. Then it occurred to me: I have no blender.

Guess who has the blender? That would be my ex-husband, who insisted on taking it with him since he made protein shakes all the time. Oh woe, oh lamentable day! Here I am TRYING to be healthy, and he continues to haunt me. Fine. Well, I wasn’t going to let that stop me. It was 9:35 pm so I jumped in my truck and drove my livid happy ass to Target and made it there 7 minutes before closing. And you better believe I bought the cutest blender I could find. A blender no boy would ever want. Ha! So then I made a thin mint shake.

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You’ll be shocked to know it looked nothing like this.

The recipe requires that you use cottage cheese to form the base of the shake. I know, it sounds awful. In reality, it wasn’t so bad. I couldn’t taste the cottage cheese, and trust me, I was trying to taste it. Any excuse to stop this diet charade. It wasn’t bad, but let’s be clear. It’s not a milkshake. I did however make the Oatmeal Cookie shake today, and it was considerably better. No milkshake, but tolerable, even tasty.  And of course, it’s healthy and filling. SO it sounds like I’ve got breakfast figured out. Now I just need to learn how to deal with the rest of the day.

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I’m sure I’ll look like this in no time, including the tan.

So, runners and other people who are better at eating/life than me – what are your go-to healthy meals and snacks? Give me recipes. Lots of them. And keep in mind I’m real lazy. And I hate broccoli.  Leave me a comment and tell me how you stay fit (or how you’re trying to get fit) and make me jealous of how smart you are.

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