Saturday night yielded a hefty 3 hours of sleep before I had to take Summer and Jamie back to their car downtown because they were too
drunk responsible to drive home the night before. As I am currently operating on an average about 4 hours per night, this really wasn’t a departure from the norm and I was fine. However, we had a busy day ahead of us with camo outfits to pick out and a skeet shoot and outside fire to enjoy.
When Lauren and Winnie arrived at my house, they were extremely disturbed by the fact that I keep my shotgun next to my bed. I mean, hellooooo, how am I going to use it for tactical ops/room clearing/intruder shooting if it’s not readily available? I mean, I get it. They live in DC. People who own guns in DC use them to do drive-bys. I use my gun for strategic clay shooting purposes, so it’s fine. Oh, and home defense. Sorry Tom. Despite their overarching fear of firearms, they were both very excited to get dressed up for the skeet shoot.
I know what you’re thinking. Who gets dressed up for a skeet shoot? Trust me, I use that term loosely. First, Winnie put together the world’s most hipster shooting outfit.
My favorite part was the Orioles military cap with Army camo. I had asked Winnie if she wanted to borrow a hat because I have no less than 4 camo baseball hats, and she was all “Oh no, I have my own camo hat, no problem.” Bless her little heart.
Fortunately, everyone at the skeet shoot was very, very patient with our gaggle. I was genuinely concerned for the safety of everyone there, but the boys were very patient with helping Winnie and Lauren learn how to shoot. Michael even did gun surgery on my shotgun when it jammed. While Lauren and Winnie were both very concerned about a) being the worst shooters there and b) not hitting anything, neither of these concerns proved to be true. Although you’d never know that by watching the video of Lauren shooting a gun for the first time.
I mean, at least I didn’t shriek in mine.
We all took turns shooting and Kristen and I actually had a pretty good outing of it. I ended up hitting a lot. The
Olympic shooters boys were fairly impressed by my prowess. Maybe it’s because Tom finally taught me the correct way to aim a gun. Maybe it’s because my gun is so pretty. Either way, I’m feeling positive about my skillz.
What’s that? You want to know why I’m wearing an entire outfit of camouflage? Well for one, it’s fucking fabulous. And for two, I actually already owned most of it. Admittedly, I did buy the pants at the Orangeburg WalMart. To answer your next question, yes, they are child size. Half the clothing I own was made for children. I’ve made my peace with it. One of the highlights of the shoot was listening to Lauren squeal every time she thought she hit a clay. The problem with this is that most of the time, other people were shooting after her, so really, they were the ones who hit it.
Eventually the stars aligned and Lauren hit not one but TWO clays. Our whole side of the shoot erupted in cheers like we just heard that Osama had been killed. The miracle had finally happened. A couple of minutes later Winnie killed her first clay pigeon and we basically thought we should call it a day since surely it was all downhill from there.
So enthralled with shooting, camo, and the 2nd amendment were Lauren and Winnie that we decided a trip to Clothing World, the outdoor gear emporium, was in order. I could have spent hours/millions of dollars in that store, but most importantly, the yankees emerged with two critical souvenirs of the South: croakies and a camo koozie. Nothing says South Carolina like those items, which is perhaps why I have two of each in both my purse and my truck at all times.
By the time we got home, it was time to change out of total camo and into clothes that we didn’t mind catching on fire. Tom and AJ had graciously agreed to amuse us with an outside fire on Tom’s farm, so we rolled up with everything you need for a fire: beer and materials for smores. Uh, good thing they had a handle on the whole “providing wood for the fire” thing.
Things got really interesting when some of AJ and Tom’s friends showed up and we played a hilarious in game in which you tell a story about another person set to the music of a guitar. The first story was called “Amazon Fury” and involved a volleyball player, homemade pornography, and unspeakable acts involving flashlights. It was all downhill from there. You can’t top it. I’ll let you use your imagination, but trust me. I’ve heard a lot of bad things.
The rest of the evening was spent in a delightful fiery haze. We brought Rocket along to the party. Turns out we can add both guns and fire to the ever-growing list of shit my Rottweiler is afraid of.
The bonfire was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend. I loved getting to show my friends something resembling what my life is like down here (albeit normally much less exciting) and the whole experience made me realize how lucky I am to live someplace that is so effing cool. Seriously, South Carolina is just cool. I don’t ever want to live anywhere that I can’t shoot a shotgun off my back porch. Bottom line. Although I think Lauren and Winnie were both a little traumatized by the weekend, all I know is that my missions were accomplished:
- Lauren made out with a townie.
- Both of them killed a clay pigeon (yes, I feel the need to use the word “killed”).
- Everyone wore camo at some point.
- No one shot anyone else either accidentally or on purpose.
- They both are now staunch supporters of the 2nd Amendment (too soon, Lauren?).
So, what did you do this weekend?