This is now my third attempt at writing this post since my first two have been spontaneously deleted by my WordPress app. Cue sneaky hate spiral.
Yesterday at work was one of the most interesting days I have had yet. We attended several meetings for work, which is normally nothing to write home about. However, when KBeezy and I pulled up to the facility at which the meetings would be held, we were shocked. The hotel looked like the type of hotel that you see from the interstate and know that you can buy crack at, usually in cute little baggies or plastic wrap or whatever. It’s the kind of hotel where you pay by the hour for both the room and the hooker. To say we were somewhat concerned is an understatement. Upon entering the hotel, however, it was one of the nicest hotels I have ever been in. Granted, it’s not like I stay at the W or Four Seasons, but it was pretty legit. At that moment I resolved to stop judging books and hotels by their covers. Not people, though. I’ve generally found that to be a pretty accurate measure of judgement. Here’s what happened.
1. A man showed up to our meeting with face tattoos. Tattoos. Plural. As in multiple. First of all, so many questions. When you’re picking the representative of your company that you want to send to a business meeting where the point of the meeting is to make a good impression so you might get hired, why do you send the guy with the face tattoos? If you are the owner of the company, do you not hire someone else sans face tattoos for this express purpose? You know what I think when I see someone with a face tattooo? I think, “here’s someone who is a terrible decision maker. Let me make sure they cannot impact my life in any way.” And this is coming from someone with six tattoos, ok? Fortunately, they were not teardrop tattoos, so he probably hasn’t killed anyone. Probably.
2. Mitt Romney and I had a moment. Coworker-who-must-not-be-named and I were looking over towards the elevator and all of a sudden, there Mitt Romney is, walking towards me wearing his workout clothes and accompanied by a bodyguard. I think I actually rubbed my eyes and shook my head because I literally could not believe it. I turned to look at coworker-who-must-not-be-named and he was like “uh huh. yeah.” So Mitt walks by and I’m trying to will myself to say something because this is pretty much the coolest thing ever so I go with “Congratulations on Iowa!” And Mitt laughs and says “Yeah, big win right?” Oh, Mitt. You are so charming. Interesting fact: Mitt Romney is quite skinny. Suits apparently make people look bigger, because I’m pretty sure I could have taken him. Additional interesting fact: Mitt Romney has a gold tooth on his back left side. I saw it when he flashed me his winning smile. Coworker-who-must-not-be-named and I spent the rest of the day waiting for Mitt to emerge from the workout room, but when he finally did, there was a huge crowd of people because our meeting had just let out, so I couldn’t run up and bear hug him shake his hand and tell him he has my vote. Also, I don’t even know if he has my vote, so it’s probably a good thing I didn’t lie to the man who could be my next boyfriend our next president.
3. A woman leaving the meeting told me I look like I could be Barbra Streisand’s daughter. On the one hand, I rejoiced because Babs is a Jew, I’m an honorary Jew, and this would bring me closer to the Tribe. On the other hand…does this mean I have Barbra Streisand’s nose? Oh God. As if I didn’t have enough of a complex about my nose already. I’m converting the marathon fund into the rhinoplasty fund starting in 2013. Ps Babs, if you’re reading, I love your Christmas cd. That is all.
4. Coworker-who-must-not-be-named and I were working the sign in table, which required us to collect business cards from everyone who signed in since many people have atrocious handwriting, making their sign in entries essentially useless. Interesting fact: I have magnificent handwriting. I am told about once a week that it should be its own computer font. Moving on. One of my favorite parts of the day was reading peoples’ business cards and, you guessed it, judging them. One thing I noticed was that about 1/3 of the cards we collected either had no email address listed or had an AOL email address listed. If your business does not have an email address, I’m not hiring you. Know why? Because then we’d have to talk on the phone, and we all know I avoid personal communication and contact at all costs. On the other hand, the people with the AOL email addresses were just as bad. Sorry, Aunt C. I know you have an AOL email address. We can fix that. Remember when it was 1995 and everyone had an AOL email address? Right. But now it’s 2012 and no one only child sex predators do. Know how I know that? Because when I was a little kid and I had AOL, I wasn’t allowed to go in the chat rooms because my parents said that’s where the child sex predators got their victims, like on To Catch a Predator. Therefore, AOL and pedophiles are intrinsically linked in my mind. So get Gmail.
5. Some of the business cards had grammatical errors or misspellings. For example, one really nice man handed me a business card that said “No job to big…no job to small.” Sir, it’s “too.” I really REALLY wanted to gently pull him aside and tell him that as reigning queen of the English language, he was not using the correct form of to/too. I mean, how many jobs has this man probably lost as a result of this simple mistake? Coworker-who-must-not-be-named said I shouldn’t, though. It is still haunting me. He NEEDS to know. Another guy had a card advertising construction, lawn, and janitorial services on one side and a completely separate bottled water company on the other. The problem? The card misspelled the word “Quench,” so the business name now involves the world “Queench.” And that just sounds dirty. We couldn’t stop laughing.
6. John McCain also strolled by. Apparently all the Republican bigwigs are staying at the crack dens nice hotels and they were on their way to some type of important fundraiser. Alex asked me if I gave him a high five. Too soon.
7. One of the meeting attendees asked if the business cards were for a drawing with the attractive young lady at the sign in desk. I was all “I don’t know, hehe!” Then I found out he was talking about the girl who was there before me. Story of my life.
8. Another meeting attendee was so impressed by my attitude, professionalism, and striking good looks that he asked me if I would be on the board for a celebrity golf tournament he is putting together. He gave me his number and told me to call him. Please submit your thoughts as to whether or not you think he actually meant “brothel” when he said “celebrity golf tournament.”
So all in all, it was a pretty successful day. I mean, when was the last time Mitt Romney barely tolerated your question basically asked you out? Yeah. That’s what I thought.