Today was another day chock full of family fun. T-Rex Mom and I went for a run this morning before the rest of the dinosaur family woke up. The weather was a little better today, but it’s still miserably hot. But hey, a cold front is coming through tomorrow – highs in the 70s! Someone kill me. While I was running, we came across two women riding their horses.
Lady: “We’re having more fun than you!”
Mom: “That’s why she’s running and I’m riding a bike.”
Lady: “Better her than me…that’s probably why I’m fat.”
Well, at least she recognizes the problem.
T-Rex Mom, the Mountain Human, and I headed out to go kayaking at one of the local state parks shortly after. My mom and I both love kayaking, so we were excited to go. I’m not sure the Mountain Human was so excited, but he got to come along anyway. While we were there, we ate some of the most delicious hotdogs known to man dinosaur kind. The guy who made them at the little shack in the state park was even wearing a chef’s hat and a chef’s uniform. Oh Jimmy, you are precious.
The best moment of my life happened today. The Mountain Human was attempting to get into the kayak from the boat ramp while sassing my mother. He argues a lot and I try to block it out. I think he was telling her how he didn’t need her advice on how to get into the kayak. He is hopping down the boat ramp with one foot in the kayak and one on the ramp when he slips and falls flat on his ass directly onto the concrete boat ramp. I don’t normally find physical comedy amusing, but this was the best thing I have ever seen, especially because not two minutes before, he had been telling my mother how silly it was that she was worried about him bringing his cell phone and wallet in the kayak. Karmic justice.
The weather was very beautiful and it was a nice ride, minus the gale force winds that were blowing in the opposite direction of the way we were headed.
The gale force winds were much more helpful on the way back. The Mountain Human may or may not have fallen asleep in his kayak. I know this only because he almost collided with us and his eyes were closed. What? Seriously? When we got back to the docking area, I was given a new reason to hate birds.
As I was leaving the kayak and taking off my life jacket, an evil bird pooped on me. This has never happened before. I would have shook my fist at God, but I was afraid to look up. I thought that the feces only made contact with the life jacket, but I found out later that I was horribly wrong. My luxurious golden locks were maimed in the incident.
After shower #2, we went to Benihana for our annual tradition of celebrating my birthday and T-Rex Nana’s birthday, hibachi style. She’s turning 87 on Thursday, by the way! On the way,my dad apparently decided to try and give my grandmother, a diehard Republican (she even likes Sarah Palin) a heart attack.
Dad: “So, I heard on the news the other day that Richard Nixon was gay.”
Nana: “Oh, I don’t believe any of that crap.”
Me: “Yeah Dad, everyone knows Republicans aren’t gay.” (sarcasm.)
Nana: “That’s right, they aren’t! There aren’t gay Republicans!”
Oh, Nana. You are so old, and I love you.
I enjoy that at these restaurants, they no longer even bother trying to hire Asian people as the hibachi chefs. Our chef’s name was Victor, and he spoke to us in the espanol the entire time. This did not stop me from eating my weight in shrimp, lobster, and various other hibachi products, of course. The good news is, I think they’re getting used to it.
At the end of the meal, my dad had a huge piece of food stuck in his teeth. The aggressive amount of sake he drank may have influenced his decision to try and pick it out at the table. My mother and I were horrified. The situation got worse as he moved said piece of food from tooth to tooth in a feeble attempt to remove it. This became more and more embarrassing until it finally appeared he had rectified the situation…until, that is, we looked up and the piece of food had somehow been transferred to his eyelid. WHAT? My mom and I died. We actually died.
In other news, today’s reader submission comes from John, the guy that I yelled at inspired at the recent Jacksonville Bank Marathon. He sent me a demotivational poster that simultaneously makes me laugh and improves my self-esteem.
Don’t worry. You guys can count on me.