Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The T-Rex was stirring
Because it was really effing hot.
And that is where our story begins. Me, sweating in the heat and humidity of my home in Florida, where sleep goes to die. I woke up early with the intentions of running, but then I went outside, and I felt like I got punched in the face with a sweaty sock. After a miserable run yesterday, I wasn’t exactly keen to race back outside, so I decided to just hang out with my family for the day. My grandmother came over about 11:30 and we started opening presents.
I had a very good Christmas this year. One particularly pertinent gift is my new visor, since it’s been pointed out repeatedly that a hat is not my most fashionable running look. You guys are mean. Sorry I’m not sorry I don’t want cancer, ok? Rude.
Most exciting of all, I got a tablet! I have been bugging Santa about it for awhile. Obviously I travel a lot for marathons, and it sucks to have to lug my giant work laptop around with me to check my email, blog, and most importantly, creep on facebook. Also, it’s rather comical to watch me walk through the airport dragging my giant duffle bag, laptop bag, and purse. Then I have to get all belligerent with the TSA people when they try to make me take my laptop out of the bag even though IT IS IN FACT TSA APPROVED. Now, the problem is hypothetically solved.
After messing around with the tablet for a bit, my brother, grandmother, and mother commissioned me to play Army Rummy. I wanted to sit in the recliner and research marathons, but it is Christmas, after all, so I relented.
Uh, it turns out that my Nana is pretty aggressive when it comes to card games. I knew she plays multiple times per week, but she had a legit card holder and everything. She is normally the sweetest soon-to-be-87-year-old I know, but she kind of yelled at us a lot. And by us, I mostly mean the mountain-human, who doesn’t seem to get that sarcasm is pretty much lost on Nana, especially when it comes to cards. The situation drove me to drink.
Nana: “Ohhhh hold it, buddy! Uh uh! You can’t take that card!”
Mountain Human: “Nana, yes I can. Everyone else passed on it.”
Nana: “Well, did you put in your penny? I don’t see your penny!”
Mountain Human: “It’s right here.”
Nana: “Well how am I supposed to see that from way over here?”
Mercifully, Nana won the game, beating me by a mere 10 points. I think I probably would have found a way to sacrifice the game either way. Note to self – don’t ever play cards with someone who brings their own card holder and automatic shuffler to the game. Shit gets serious.
The rest of the day revolved around eating, watching Christmas movies, and taking the requisite family photo. I insist on wearing grey in the family photo every year as a means of protest.
We always take a picture with my grandmother as well. She was in a good mood since she had maintained her record in Army Rummy. Look how precious she is! You’d never know that deep within lies the spirit of an Olympic contender…if Army Rummy was an Olympic sport.
For some reason I’ve been getting really bad headaches all week since I’ve been here. Maybe it’s the
yelling friendly competition during games, maybe it’s the fact that the air conditioning vents have never been cleaned (IN 40 YEARS, as I was informed by my mother today), maybe it’s because I’ve replaced water with Bud Light in my diet this week. Hard to say. I felt pretty awful after dinner, so I decided to go for a quick run.
I don’t know what has come over me the past few weeks, but I’ve been running a lot faster lately. Even with the heat and humidity down here, I’ve been busting out some sub 8 miles and even had a great run tonight at around 8:30 pace (although admittedly there was another Outer Banks incident, this time involving just one neighbor’s yard). Boston isn’t exactly in my future, but I think a 4:20 marathon is. I had a brief panic attack about getting mauled by a pack of coyotes. I went through this whole scenario in my head where coyotes came tearing across the plain (err…Everglades) and started ripping little pieces of my limbs off while I screamed for help and tried to kick them in the throat. Given that I’ve never had this fear in South Carolina, where even more coyotes live, I’m not sure where it came from. I need to start running with a shotgun.
And finally, thank you to AJ for holding down my pseudo-Jew fort back in Elgin and faithfully lighting my electric menorah every night, since I did in fact apparently lose the candles to the normal one.
As a final Christmas gift, I ironically leave you with a glorious song about Hanukkah. No really, it’s catchy as hell. From my pseudo-people to yours, Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, or whatever else doesn’t offend you.