The day I beat Kim Kardashian at life

It’s not very often that I come out ahead of celebrities in life, but today, I did. You all know of Kim Kardashian. If you don’t, you clearly live under a rock, because homegirl is EVERYWHERE. Yesterday, she announced that she is getting divorced after 72 days.

In all other ways, Kim Kardashian wins.

Kim Kardashian looks like this.


In case you’ve forgotten:

I look like this. A prehistoric creature with tiny arms.


Kim Kardashian makes approximately $230938420358934594378 per year. I do not. Kim Kardashian once dated Miles Austin. I did not.

I'll fight you for him, Lauren/Kim.

But you know whose marriage lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s? That’s right. While I don’t like to revel in other people’s misery, I think I can enjoy my own success.

Besides my resounding life triumph, I had a pretty good Halloween, due in large part to all the food I ate.

I don't even like donuts, but today is a day of celebration, dammit.

Monday is Moe’s Monday. I never miss it.

I stole this from the internet and I feel really creeptastic looking at someone else's half eaten burrito.

I went home and bought some Halloween candy for the children of the neighborhood. I ate some.

Me eating the candy may explain why I ran out of candy.

In order to stop myself from eating the candy I allegedly bought for children, I made cookies.

Chocolate chip and pecan, nom nom nom

Then Tom showed up on my doorstep in a Yoda costume. He made me wear it.

Obviously a good look for me. To my right, Rocket is dressed up as a poltergeist dog.

Today I’m home sick from work, battling the beginnings of a sinus infection. I’m sure my healthy eating habits are going to help me get cured in no time. Happy November, y’all!

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